Didn't Have to Beg :)

Ended up I didn't have to beg! Hicks...maybe he read this blog, but more likely he just sensed that something in me wanted some severe action and that's exactly what I got. I think I've mentioned before that Hicks is big, but my goodness, he seems twice as big when he's drilling my tiny little a-hole. Owch! (but in a good way). I love when he just takes me and does what he wants with me. He calls it "tossing me around". We both love it.

After I got my long-delayed reaming, things seemed to float into an easy, simplified state with us. My birthday came around and he made me feel so wonderful I started crying and blubbered "You really do want this to last forever, don't you?" Things seemed so perfect.

I don't know what happened next. I started feeling really scared to do my chores, because it seemed like nothing I did was quite up to his standards. His anger started coming out in unhealthy ways. I tried to get him to discipline me formally, but that didn't seem to appeal to him any more. He was too lost in his internalized anger.

It all came to a head when I'd had a bad day with my illness and I had reached my limit. I called him and told him I wouldn't be able to finish my chores and that I needed to just be alone in a dark room for the night. He, as usual, was kind and understanding.

But when he got home, practically the first words out of his mouth were an order to do a physical chore. I was too burnt out to be respectful. I just gave him a defiant look, closed my eyes, shook my head and said "No way."
"Then we're doing it together, because I need it done", he said.
"NO. There's no way. You don't need it done that bad. Sorry."
"THEN WE'RE DOING IT AT 4:00am TOMORROW!", he said, getting angry.
"We''ll be too tired! There's no reason! It's impossible to get it done before work!", I whined

I don't know what happened next, but he left the room and there followed a series of foundation-shaking impacts to the house. I thought he might have gone outside and hit the house with a large piece of farm equipment.

Usually he doesn't scare me (I am more afraid of making small-talk at the grocery store than I am of angry outbursts) Usually, in these situations, I just give as good as I get. But this was too much after such a long day. And he had never actually physically broken anything before. I retreated into what I think of as "my" room, where, I thought, if he had just left me alone, none of this would have happened, and I closed the door, bracing it with my body and shaking like a leaf. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do but hide. So I hid under the blankets and hoped he would stay away from me.

I heard not a single sound for two hours. Finally, I ventured out. I thought he must have left the house and I wanted to see if there was any damage to the house. I was terrified and, for the first time in our relationship, I didn't know what to do. I walked toward where I'd heard the banging and I heard that hiccupping, snuffling kind of sound that someone who's cried themselves dry makes.

I felt so bad for him and so bad for me and so horrified for us. I had no idea how we would talk to each other after what had happened.